You’ll have to forgive me. Yes, I am very intelligent and sod the modesty. I know it, you know it. But when it comes to regular things, I can be extremely dumb. I read stuff, I see the words, I understand the meaning, but I don’t always do anything with it.

When I talk to you, I just talk to you. I don’t examine every last minute detail. And you now know, that generally speaking, when I say something, I’m just saying something. There’s no hidden meaning, there’s no innuendo or subtext. They’re just words that come out of my mouth.

I can be extremely insensitive when I don’t have my brain engaged. Once I make a certain association, I’m all sorted, but until that moment, I can really be thick as pig shit.

So even though I read what you wrote about me, either on your own or in conversation, I guess I didn’t genuinely put 2 and 2 together. I saw it, I liked it, but what did you in was I didn’t answer you. You then took that my apparent silence, as ignoring the thing – you thought it was an answer. Maybe you thought I simply didn’t want to say the words. Maybe you thought I didn’t give a fuck. But either way, it seems like it upset you. Sadly, the situation is that I’m really just a dummy. I didn’t actively not say anything (if that makes any sense), I just didn’t say anything.

I know why, and maybe an explanation is in order.

The thing is what you said was really nice, it’s very sweet, and will always make anyone feel good. The problem was that my brain wouldn’t let me compose a good answer to it. I’m too rational; too logical. So I was hearing you put yourself out there, but I wasn’t ready to give you the answer you wanted to hear. That’s not say I don’t have that answer – it’s just to say that I’m not capable of giving an answer.

Why? I’ve done it before. I’ve committed to an answer and it’s all gone wrong. And not always fault, but it hasn’t gone the way I’ve wanted it to. So now, I’m defensive. Cynical. I’m alert to the possbility of more hurt. I want to put myself out there, but it’s not the sort of thing I’m going to do lightly.

You’ve got to admit our situation is a little unusual. Certainly not ideal. If anything it’s almost futile. And I don’t want that to sound harsh. But I never want to say never, so it seemed to me the way we were going was perfect. Take it slowly. See what happens. If it happens, then we deal with the situation. I couldn’t see how to make any more of a commitment than just friends because it’s just too soon. I don’t know how I’m supposed to do that. Think about what we’ve done so far. We’ve barely done a zillionth of the things that two people might do in the build up to something more formal. And from previous experience, I’ve gone in too fast, and I’ve ended up on the receiving end.

I’m sorry if my insensitivity upset you. I’m sorry if you feel like you’ve been hurt. That was not my intention. If you want to carry on how we were and see what happens then that’d be great. If you can’t then, OK.

Your call.

I’ve seen SO many tutti-frutti chick-flick happy ending loveydovey films  where’s there’s a handsome bloke, a gorgeous girl, for some reason they’re meant to be together, for whatever reason somehting goes wrong, but by the end of the film, they’re happily ever after and i’m always filled with that warm fuzzy feeling in my stomach, that makes me think, awww, that’s sweet, wouldn’t it be nice to have that myself. Well the thing I hate, is that I never then actually go and do anything about it.

I’m not sure. but i think fear of rejection is a big part of it. And fear of meeting someone crap, because i’ve had my share of crap people, and i’m tired of it. I know for one thing that my expectations are very high and the longer i’m single, the higher they get. But I don’t want to let go of the fantasy that one day i’ll meet that someone amazing. The trouble is, in my current lifestyle, the chance of me actually meeting that person are slim to none
I’m not saying it’s very rational, if it was rational then i could control it. Human nature is a funny thing.

What can I do, though?

Never underestimate the power of confidence in your ability to do something. It sounds like a bloody obvious thing to say, it really does, but it’s true. Confidence affects everything and is a key factor, regardless of any actual skill or ability in the particular task. Case in point, I play cricket. When I was a lot younger I had some talent, and heaps of confidence and I played well. I was selected for a county side, I scored runs like there was no tomorrow, and there was nothing I couldn’t do. A couple of seasons passed where I didn’t play, and then I started again. I’d lost a little form, but there was no doubt, that being older, wiser and definitely a lot stronger and more powerful, that I was actually a better player than I was when I was younger. But having not played in a while, I was low on confidence. And needless to say, it’s been a real struggle. I keep playing, but even now, I’m not playing anything like my best. I’m better than I was, but I’m not getting the results. I have no confidence.

And confidence is a tricky thing to analyse. Again, it’s obvious, but with confidence, confidence continues to grow. Without confidence, confidence dissipates. In this example, when I was younger and had confidence, I’d play well, and my confidence grew, so I played better, so my confidence grew, and so on. Nowadays, with no confidence, I’m playing badly, so I never gain any confidence, so I continue to play badly.

I believe confidence works on a kind of greyscale, that has a lower bounds, but no upper bounds. That is, there gets a point when you are simply not confident. If cannot get any worse – you are at the bottom. However, you can never be totally confident – that is, you can grow in confidence indefinitely. At some point, though, you might become overconfident, which is really a different topic. But it leads to arrogance and complacency, at which point your fortunes can change, which ultimately might lead to a drop in confidence.

But how do you get confidence? It’s difficult, because it’s another circular argument. One way, is to force your own hand, by taking some risks. If you’re already not confident, then it can’t get any worse if you fail again by taking risks. If it succeeds, you might gain some confidence.

However, this theory essentially contradicts the argument of this article – that is that you need confidence to perform. If you’re able to do something to get confidence when you don’t have confidence, then surely it holds true that you don’t need confidence at all? That, I suppose depends on the type of person you are.

I was in London a couple of weekends ago. I was catching a tube across London to get to Gatwick. In the crowded, sweaty carriage I stopped. I looked at the other people in the carriage. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many frowns and scowls on peoples’ faces. Everyone looked miserable, stressed and angry. People were silent. Idly staring into space. As their lives drifted away.

I was later walking through Knightsbridge. Everything moved so fast. People buzzed about. All in pinstripe suits and expensive shoes. It seemed fake. People were trying to be what other expected they ought to be. What they had been conditioned to be. Whether or not after a while you just become that person, I don’t know.

I just got a sense of something – that I was’t designed for that sort of lifestyle. I’m not saying I have all the answers, and I’m in no way judging the people I saw in that train or the other people on the streets of London… but it made me realise that there’s a lot more to life.

People are naturally jealous. Jealousy is a perfectly healthy emotion. It shows you care about something – that you’re prepared to be vulnerable, to have desires and dreams. Jealousy is a sign that there are parts of your life you feel you could improve. Most commonly, jealousy is in relationships. Jealousy shows that you have trust issues. That some emotional scar is inhibiting your ability to fully open yourself for emotional commitment.

Jealousy isn’t a bad thing, but it can be very destructive if not controlled. Sadly, controlling it is an extremely difficult thing to do.

The irony of jealousy is that it’s an internal war of your mind – versus your own mind. You know that jealousy is a dangerous thing, and that it’s probably irrational, and that it has the potential to destroy your relationship. Yet the gremlins (the ‘green-eyed-monster’) has a say too – and often overpowers your natural inhibitions.

I hate jealousy.

Al and I were chatting last night about something fairly innocuous, but it got me to thinking. We started by talking about me accidentally “putting my foot in it” with one of the bar staff, making some fairly flippant but humourously intended comment, but of course events had occurred in her life recently that I had no idea about, and what I said was not quite so humourous. But then the mind wanders. You see news reports and stories and so on, reporting bizarre statistics that 18 people every year die of, I don’t know, “spoon-related” injuries. Or being hit by a golf ball. Or any other mysterious and uncommon way of dying. The point being, that you could quite happily be in the canteen/kitchen at work, as someone’s making a cuppa, you make a flippant comment about “hey hey hey, watch out with that spoon” chortle chortle, yet you have no idea that the person stood behind you was the wife of the man who was one of the 18 to die of spoon-related injuries. You see to the common person, that is, anyone who has not been affected by such circumstances, the perspective is not there. There is no frame of reference. It is nothing more than a story. But to each of the 18 people who suffered at the strong end of the spoon, it’s still death. They’re dead. Gone. And to the families of the 18 people, who have to bear the consequences of knowing their loved one died in such crap circumstances, to them it’s not just a story, it’s not a funny statistic – it’s real life. It’s death. It’s pain and heartache and sadness for God knows how long.

The point is – you never know who has been affected by any of the gagillion nasty things that happen in the world today. Take for example, this chick. I took offence at her post, because I actually have been to Tanzania. And yeh, shit happens, but then shit happens everywhere. Christ, she wants to talk about child-skinning in a 3rd world country, what about all the atrocities that happen in his country? But the irony and the point of this post, is that the other stories, she or anyone else rants about, with which I have no emotional attachment, cause me little or no harm. Sure, I can disagree with them. But I won’t really be affected by them.

You never know who or what may or may not be affected by something or anything. Seems pretty obvious to me, but I believe that’s why it’s often prudent to consider things carefully before saying them. But that’s often critical to the wishywashy society we live. Everyone is alwasy striving to be so bloody PC that they daren’t say anything for fear of offending. Can’t do this, can’t do that. Which is a load of bollocks really. I say shit, if people disagree with me then fine. Least I’ve said something.

Something that’s been bugging me recently. I think a lot of people commonly cover up or ignore parts of their life that they’re not happy with. I think people actively lie to themselves about things. I think people often know one thing, but do another.

I saw a program on television recently about some explorer bloke who managed to get initiated into a remote forest tribe in the West-African country of Gabon. It involved taking some weirdass mind altering drug (read: tree roots) over a few days which made him violently ill and have some horrific hallucinations. He said a consequence of this experience was that he was made to actively confront parts of his life that he’d locked away in the deepest recesses of his mind. By bringing things to a head like this, he was able to realise what he’d done earlier in life. And he concluded he was a better person because he could finally put it behind him.

I think people do this sort of thing all the time. They lie to themselves. They’re unfaithful to themselves. They refuse to accept or admit something about themselves.

My biggest “personality pet peeve” is simple: people who are fake. I think I’m a pretty good judge of character, and I can see through people very easily. As far as possible, I try to keep my judgements of people limited. For example, I won’t judge people on the job they do. Or where they come from or where they live. I don’t care if you’re the Prince of Wales, or the bloke who empties my bins (excuse the stereotype), if you’re a good person, then I don’t have a problem with you. Defining a ‘good person’ is of course a tricky concept, and subjectivity begins to creep in. A good person to me, might be a total chopper to you. And vice versa.

The point being is I will judge you as being a chopper if I can see through you. If you’re trying to be someone you’re not, I’ll probably see it. I might not say anything about it, but I’ll probably see it. People are who they are. People can be who they want to be. But people aren’t who they want to be. And there’s the distinction. If you’re not who you want to be and equally you are who you don’t want to be, then it’s up to you to become the person you ought to be. Don’t pretend to be someone else and don’t ignore what you don’t want to be.

Make the difference. Stop lying to yourself. BE who you want to be.

Easy.

It’s a well lamented question. Often asked, never really answered. Can science honestly live side by side with religion (and to a certain extent, philosophy)? Maybe we’ll find out. Often the most explainable, or inexplicable scientific facts (or lack thereof) are nonsensed by bible bashers saying “Yes, but who was in control of that happening?”. Simply put, they can dismiss solid scientific fact by saying that it was all part of God’s plan.

I’m no atheist, but then again I’m not a devout Christian. I believe in what I understand. I can’t believe that a couple of hundred years of research into Darwin and his theory of Natural Selection is all complete nonsense, yet certain people “with faith” believe that evolution should not be taught as the only way. Instead, they insist that “Intelligent Design” (i.e. God created it) should be included. That might sound like a contradiction on my part. My explanation is simply that: I’m open minded enough to see that there are lots of different possible explanations for a single phenomenon. That’s fine. So evolution, or weird alien gip forcing things to mutate. But religion in a biology class has to be a no-no.

And there we have it. Scientists can dismiss certain theories of the basis of what they can prove. People with religion can dismiss all other theories on the basis of they have faith in a higher power. There’s no middle ground.

I don’t think there’s a simple resolution.

Hmmm.

I have a few friends who basically drink alcohol every weekend. I don’t record their habits or anything like that, but from what I can gather from conversation, they also watch a lot of television. These people are very nice and I like hanging around them, but they are not creative or productive people. They are not restless. They are not bored. They use the easy fix, and it is preventing them from doing what I do.

I left this comment:

I’m not sure I agree. I see your point, and it’s perfectly valid, I just don’t agree. For three reasons.

1) First off, and I point you to this discussion for reference: http://www.sitepoint.com/forums/showthread.php?t=204450, and saying that boredom/zapping/drugs kills creativity. I have no doubt that it’s often easier to switch on the telly and crack open a beer rather than getting on with that project you’ve been meaning to do for ages. But what about the people (in that discussion for starters) who swear blind that they’ve come up with their best work when they’ve been out of their tree? We’ve all seen the films where people get smacked up, see the pretty colours and dancing pigs, and all of a sudden they get some inspiration, it all makes sense.

2) Television and beer are only for bored people/you should specifically plan to watch something

I don’t watch a lot of television, I simply don’t have time. But when I do, it’s not always because there’s something I have to see. Sure, a few programs catch my eye which I will watch. But the rest is generally a load of guff. No, I watch TV because I want to be able to “switch off” as it were. Sit down, unwind. Relax. Take my mind off the day I’ve just had. I’ve either had a busy, brain-hurting day at work which I don’t need to think about anymore, or I’ve got in from working in the club and I need something to take my mind off work before bed. In either situation, I need something mind-numbing and easygoing that actually isn’t going to get my creative juices flowing.

3) All TV is uninspiring crap.

For the most-part it is. But how do you know unless you watch it? As a “creative” person, you must be open-minded enough to receive inspiration from any source. Not just walking down the road. Or getting off the bus. The TV, in a similar vain to the Internet, is an excellent source of information on subjects you’re not instinctively interested in. Switching on the TV and finding a program about sperm whales or the mating habits of small African tribespeople, might make you sit up and think “huh”. Might help you see things from a different viewpoint. People who schedule their viewing – “I must watch Eastenders!” – are the boring people, in my book.

Just my 2p.

I drink a lot (every day). I watch some television. I’m productive. There were too many contradictions in the blogpost itself (or with other posts in the same blog) to make any sort of real statement about it, but it seems to me, that those who make excuses about what other people do, who are more concerned with measuring themselves against other people, are the ones who are not fulfilling their potential.

Obviously, the definition of success in this context is critical. I’m certainly not your average, suit-wearing, short back and sides, teetotalling church-goer who is efficient and productive, and says my prayers before bedtime. Heck, I have a skinhead, three piercings, a large tattoo and a motorbike. I also hold down three jobs, have a busy and rewarding social/sporting life and I’m just finishing of my PhD. Do I earn 6 figures or have my name appearing in Time every week? Hell no. Am I successful? I think so. Am I happy? Yes.

I’d prefer to measure my success on the basis of am I a good person. Do I lead a purposeful life, where I can sit in the pub, with my mates, safe in the knowledge that my achievements, whatever they are, are sufficient that me and my mates are having a good time with each other? Sober or otherwise.

Sounds quite dramatic, doesn’t it? Last day. The LAST day. LAST EVER. NO MORE. Gone. Finished. Kaputski.

Until next year that is. Well, tomorrow, in fact. Should we feel particularly sentimental, dispondent, reminscent about the last day of the year?

Perhaps. On the one hand it’s a chance to look back over the year and reflect. Consider our achievements and missed opportunities. I hope there is little regret. It’s a chance to look to the future, and put things in perspective. A chance to make any changes, so this time next year, the outlook is inline with what you want it to be.

On the other hand, bollocks. It’s totally insignificant. Tomorrow is another day, another chance to make dreams happen. Another chance to live your life the way you want to. Same shit, different year.