You’ll have to forgive me. Yes, I am very intelligent and sod the modesty. I know it, you know it. But when it comes to regular things, I can be extremely dumb. I read stuff, I see the words, I understand the meaning, but I don’t always do anything with it.
When I talk to you, I just talk to you. I don’t examine every last minute detail. And you now know, that generally speaking, when I say something, I’m just saying something. There’s no hidden meaning, there’s no innuendo or subtext. They’re just words that come out of my mouth.
I can be extremely insensitive when I don’t have my brain engaged. Once I make a certain association, I’m all sorted, but until that moment, I can really be thick as pig shit.
So even though I read what you wrote about me, either on your own or in conversation, I guess I didn’t genuinely put 2 and 2 together. I saw it, I liked it, but what did you in was I didn’t answer you. You then took that my apparent silence, as ignoring the thing – you thought it was an answer. Maybe you thought I simply didn’t want to say the words. Maybe you thought I didn’t give a fuck. But either way, it seems like it upset you. Sadly, the situation is that I’m really just a dummy. I didn’t actively not say anything (if that makes any sense), I just didn’t say anything.
I know why, and maybe an explanation is in order.
The thing is what you said was really nice, it’s very sweet, and will always make anyone feel good. The problem was that my brain wouldn’t let me compose a good answer to it. I’m too rational; too logical. So I was hearing you put yourself out there, but I wasn’t ready to give you the answer you wanted to hear. That’s not say I don’t have that answer – it’s just to say that I’m not capable of giving an answer.
Why? I’ve done it before. I’ve committed to an answer and it’s all gone wrong. And not always fault, but it hasn’t gone the way I’ve wanted it to. So now, I’m defensive. Cynical. I’m alert to the possbility of more hurt. I want to put myself out there, but it’s not the sort of thing I’m going to do lightly.
You’ve got to admit our situation is a little unusual. Certainly not ideal. If anything it’s almost futile. And I don’t want that to sound harsh. But I never want to say never, so it seemed to me the way we were going was perfect. Take it slowly. See what happens. If it happens, then we deal with the situation. I couldn’t see how to make any more of a commitment than just friends because it’s just too soon. I don’t know how I’m supposed to do that. Think about what we’ve done so far. We’ve barely done a zillionth of the things that two people might do in the build up to something more formal. And from previous experience, I’ve gone in too fast, and I’ve ended up on the receiving end.
I’m sorry if my insensitivity upset you. I’m sorry if you feel like you’ve been hurt. That was not my intention. If you want to carry on how we were and see what happens then that’d be great. If you can’t then, OK.
Your call.