Why, one day, are you all over it… then , nothing. Nada. Zip. That’s it. Gone. Thanks for trying; you lose.

It doesn’t make any fucking sense.

Now I know you don’t love me baby
You’re just trying to find a friend

Darling don’t deny
You’re a beauty in anybody’s eyes
I’m in the gutter and you’re in the skies
Shining like a star

Baby don’t be cruel
‘Cause if you drag me into loving you
My poor heart would surely break in two
And that’s a chance I can’t take

So don’t think I’m stupid, but I don’t understand
Why you’re talking to me and holding my hand

What d’you want with a loser like me?
‘Cause I’m so confused
Look at any other man and you’ll see
That I was born to lose
This ain’t reality
‘Cause I ain’t ever fit to shine your shoes
I’m just a loser with the blues

Darling, think again
‘Cause you don’t love me, you’re just trying to find a friend
You’re on the rebound and this is bound to end
So set yourself free

You can sit there smiling and laugh it all away
But I’ll be here crying when you leave me someday

What d’you want with a loser like me
When the world’s in your hands?
When I think of all you could be
And I’m just a fool without a plan
Is there nothing I can say?
Got to make you try and understand

What d’you want with a loser like me?
‘Cause I’m so confused
Look at any other man and you’ll see
That I was born to lose
This ain’t reality
I’m just a loser with the blues

What d’you want with a loser like me
When the world’s in your hands?
When I think of all you could be
And I’m just a fool without a plan
Is there nothing I can say?
Got to make you try and understand
I’m just a loser in a band, mmm
Just a loser in a band

I find lists help to organise change in to small chunks.

Small chunks are manageable.

I wrote this nearly 3 years ago. Nothing has changed. I’ve done nothing about it. I’m in the same shit situation as I was then.

Except maybe now I get paid a little more at work.

What does it take for someone to finally grab life by its arse and start making changes? I watched the film `Wanted` the other night - the theme of which is just that. Some guy, living a meaningless life and things eventually change. OK, so it’s because he’s apparently son of some legendary assassin - right - but ignore that and look at the bigger thing for a second and it helps with some perspective.

The only person you’re kidding, is yourself. YOU KNOW the issues. Yet you mislead yourself. How pathetic is that?

The only way things will change is when you make it happen.

So do it. Now.

you need to put yourself out there. you take a risk. maybe it’ll pay off.

most of the time it won’t, but at least you tried. hey, it’s better to try and fail, than to not try at all.

so i end up back at square 1. start again. from the beginning.

but new starts are a good thing.

Sometimes you find yourself in a situation that has no future. And that nevermind how good it might be in the short term, the long term just simply doesn’t factor.

So what do you do?

Live for the short term obviously. Despite its inevitable heartache.

Ho-hum.

God knows that most people wants that fairytale. Meet someone, have an instant connection fall in love. Live happily ever after. A lot of people spend their entire lives looking for it. Only a handful of people ever find it. And that sucks. Especially if you end up “settling” for someone. What a scary thought that is.

I’m not saying soulmates, and I don’t think the fairytale even applies to everyone. Some people just work hard at a relationship.

But goshdarnit if I might possibly have found it. I shouldn’t be saying this because it’s clearly much too soon to be saying anything like that. I’ve never even met her. And the chances of it happening any time soon are slim to none. But she’s so great. Beautiful, funny and oh so sweet and kind. I’m just going to play it by ear.

I like to live the dream.

Why do people smoke? What possible benefit is there? There is no benefit. It costs a lot of money, it’s stinky and it causes cancer. But people continue to smoke. Why?

Because they can. Because people don’t want to care about negativity. This is why the advertising will never work. We’ve all seen the horrific adverts all over the place that use scare tactics to try and stop people smoking. There’s the increased taxes, there are even the bans to try and stop people of smoking. In the majority of cases, none of it works. When I see the adverts on the TV, I think yeh, I shouldn’t smoke, but it doesn’t stop me smoking.

People don’t want to know about the negative side of things. People don’t care. Actually, it’s not that they don’t care, but they’re not bothered enough to do something about it. Subconsciously, they do react to certain things. For instance, when the government force the price of cigarettes up, they simply continue to smoke by spending less on other things. They substitute out of certain things so they can smoke. Elasticity. Interesting.

People are weak. If a change in lifestyle requires some sort of effort to change then it won’t happen. If you can simply ignore a problem then people will do that before making an effort to make a change.

Discuss.

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, “Using every applicable thing you’ve learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST.”

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn’t exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades … and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.

His answer to the question: “What chair?”

I’ve spent the last 10 years of my life looking for someone. That person. You know the one. That’s right - the one. I’m not saying I’ve met her, but it’s sure got me wondering.

She’s so beautiful, funny, charming, and oh-so-sweet. She’s intelligent, but a little bit ditsy. Heck - she’s also a surfer. She’s got all the right credentials. I think she even likes me too.

Ordinarily I’d be so excited right now. I have no idea if this would go anywhere, but that’s part of the excitement. We could spend the next few weeks bumping in to each other. Surfing a bit, chatting a bit.. getting to know each other. Some time after that maybe we’d grab a drink. Or see each other out. I don’t know, but I’d love to find out.

Why’s it not going to happen? She’s leaving in a month to go to University. The word gutted doesn’t even vaguely cover it.

Why didn’t I meet her a year ago? Or 6 months ago? Why does she have to be leaving? All questions with no answer that’ll make me feel better. I’m going to try and keep in touch with her, but it’s fairly safe to say there’s little future here. Life’s a real bitch sometimes.